puso no. 1 si ms. M

si ms m ay kaibigan ko...lima ang kanyang anak..bata nagasawa sa edad na 17 at her second year in college..

napakasal sya dhil sa nabuntisan ng kanyang boyfriend..but after she turned 26 ay hiniwalayan nya asawa nya.

dahil sa drug addict ito at sya lang ang may trabaho sa mga panahong iyon..sobra na syang napagod..di makakita ng butas ng pagasa sa kinakasamang ama ng mga anak nya...

nakakaawa..hanggang isang araw nakakilala ng isang magmamahal..tapat naman syang minahal..naramdaman nya ito lahat ng effort na ginawa at pagaaruga ng lalaki..kamalasmalasan lang taken narin pala ang lalaki at pinaka masakait kay ms. m ay tatlong taon pa itinago ito sa kanya..

halos maloka ang ms m...another failure to face sa buhay nya..pero nito ang nagtulak sa kanya upang maging malakas..

hinarap nya lahat ng pagsubok..kahit niyaya sya ng lalaki na sumama dito at iwan ang lahat pati na kanyang mga limang anak..ay pinili nyang manatili sa piling ng mga anak at di nya iniwan ang mga ito.

pero iyon..after ng halos walong taon nakalipas ayun nakuntento na lng sila sa patagong pagkikita...

walang tuluyang kalayaan at kung minsan pa ay inaaway sya ng misis ng lalaki..

haay buhay...to be continued po

it's like a disease creeping in your veins... it hunts you...it  kills you

it's the fear of the unknown...of major changes  presenting new variables, unfolding
manifesting in your current life.

it's scary...it's inviting...it's everyting to dream about....life alterations

what are the pros and cons attributes....it just scares me to death

september 4, 2008 thursfay


never did it came to my mind when a time like this would ever come..where my sobbing days for a stressful life is finally over.

the initiator of pain cannot hurt me anymore..although it lives with my present life right now..i simply have the armor of shield to cast all these woes away from me.

i am simply sufficiently protected by God's grace and by my many nights of crying. God has
finally heard my cries and seekness for redemption.

my silent killer is won over by my faith by the answer that came in the form for which
an angel has sought me.

my hard days of crying nights are so over...and i have realized how beautiful it is to breath life again.

to feel good about thyself, after a long deception from my enemy that i am a loser and a useless person..God has risen me against the hands of my enemies.

i shall not succomb to the lies of the enemy anymore..enough with the using..enough with the accusations..enough with the suicidal words that torture me each day.

i will fly to my advantage..and find my true meaning...in the beauty and perfect timing that God has shown me today.


I think God really loves me..it just took a little time to process things over..but i know he is in the works overtime for me too.

i thought life is just as bad as that for me...but it's not..and i thank god today for not
forgeting me..

i will pray for others as well like i alwyas do each day that they will find peace and happiness that i was searching all of my life also..and now have found.

Everything happens for a reason....

september 2, 2008 tuesday

all men are aware that it is existent in our daily lives...but how could one possibly assumed that he will never fail his God again. I am not into drugs or anything i have been a bonafide christian for since 1990 but today i seldom go to church because i just want to believe in the faith that if you want your life to change aside from praying you have to really get down and decide to work on it and it does not require one to be religious.

i have followed God many times in my life but often times there the crisis would also never end..it is just a cycle it recurrs and it never dies..but ofcourse not all of our lives revolves in obstacles and pain..there are variety of ways that God has created for us to breath life also
as simple as talking to your family and kids and friends..networking and analysing what you can possibly do to pay the reward that god has been showering you.

i think the only destiny that we have is acceptance that we are a born sinner, and no matter how faithful we try to be to please god we will still always ail him also knowingly or unknowingly...because life in this earth aint perfect...as much as we want to please God and others we just have to accept this one cold reality of being human..you nwere not perfect but you must always claim to your liabilities or otherwise you could have been doubly evil in that.

i live my life to daily prayer and hope..that the good in everyone will always resurface so that we may live in an almost perfect world but i guess not that is not God's way..we probably could not know God only knows why things happen..we can only assume  he has his purpose.

the bottomline in this message of mine is that i am not justifying my weaknesses or the evil side of my being human but i attest to the fact that i am trying to reinvent myself each day by God's grace he would change us all eventuyally..how i wish life ends in there there will be grace for all men and we could live in the place where god has promised us in the land where there is no pain and tears.

do u know that i have one big burden now..that i will not be happy even if i go to heaven
beacause i know a lot of men are going to the sea of fire and shall be burn there forever in eternal way..how could i have possibly imagine that i will have eternal happiness..that is just really my opinion.

as for now what i just do is believe in the good and edit the evil...and start from the heart
and do things from the good heart to assist and support others in my own means availablei pray today that God always will have mercy and grace to everyone for doing the things that they do..because they did not write their own lives at the very beginning there is only one author of our life..and that is God!

september 1, 2008


i always stay awake at night wondering when will i see my first beat...i am anticipating in great account.

i am halucinating living in an illusion and fantasy..where i am the lead actor the princess with a very cute prince chasing her in that dream.

i am crazy clumsy now adays..totally headbusted and always out of the spot in things could this be the extremes in magic love affair...lol butterflies in the stomach and chills on your spine..can't imagine me being this way that is why i really wonder why?? i am not in highschool anymore lol..

september 1, 2008

hi folks, it's me again..i just wanna share this latest transition in my life that i consider so
gigantic and unexpected..

one day i dropped by at my favorite networking site where i can view and see my friends current lives update, as i came across one of my gal friends homepage i have seen at her network an old flame.

yes there he was my long lost first beat...i was in junior highschool and i came across his full profile..looking back in the past i remembered myself sobbing for almost two years over this really cute and sweet guy.

it was love and a strong attraction that hit me then over him..i even remember myself not being able to look at his face when we meet at the corridor because i was too afraid he would notice my big crush on him...then one day a friend of mine came with a big smile on
face talking about all our classmate boys chatting over the pretty girls in the classroom...

to her amazement she heard them voted my name as the top among the prettiest and the sexiest during our class , and one of the voters among the boys was my big crush..i cant
almost believe it..but it was a sign of big relief for me.

i felt confident and i did not feel ashame everytime i see him in the corridors anymore..until one day a classmate of mine handed over my a piece of paper...and i asked her what was it and she said just read it and i did..to my surprised it came from my big crush..he wrote me a love letter confessing his irresistable strong feeilngs of love and affection for me...
he said in the letter that it was the first time for him to ever write a letter that way because he is bothered already by his emotions and thought he said and felt that the first time he saw me, he almost knew that i was his dreamgirl that came true..lol.

kinda really funny to hear though, i was really overjoyed by his revelation, and he did pursued me in courtship in school.

but i was hesitant to have a boyfriend yet so i really took my time and think about it..it took me almost two months before i have finally realized that i am really inlove with him and i should surrender to my feelings already.and then the funny thing was i only said yes in the letter idid not talk to him, i was waiting for his reply but he was absent for almost 3 days after i gave him the letter, because he got sick...so i just patiently waited for him..and to my surprised there was when he was back in campus..he did not even have any reply over my letter, so i really got furious and i set up a meeting with him outside the school building.

i confronted him angrily, and i said didn't he ever rfead my letter to him, and he said nope, he maybe lost it and asked what was inside the letter,and i was angry again i know he was joking me around..so i mentioned it..ok so you wanna know what's the meaning of that letter ok here it goes i said, the meaning of that is 143. he was shocked and laughing, and asked what is 143 and i said ofcourse youi knew that already cause i can't say it i'm too shy.

but he was persistently joking and asking..so  i said ok that means i love you..satisfied?
then i really hate it more when he even ask me..thgen what now? so i was upset and i said so u dont know the meaning fine then just goodbye lol, im too childish..he grabbed my arm and said wait he was just joking.

it was the that very funny history with my first beat..sadly we did not last then only 3 months
i guessed..because he was a badboy with low profile in class...while i was in top 3 in class standing.

i felt tired of him and gave him up because he would not listen to my advise to study real hard because it is for his own good.it just ended there the next year he move to another school because he was too shy to stay as a repeater.

but eventually he would always visit the campus during the seniour days because i have learned that he has got a new girlfriend from the sophomre class..it was the season of intramurals..i saw him in the campus with that girl..i felt really sad and can,t look at him..to my despair i took off with one of my pal and forced her to introduced me to her cute crushed whom happened to be  a  popular guy also at the campus so that maybe by chance my first beat would notice and i felt that i was not won over.

would you believe thay i got the chance to add my first beat in my ym and happens to remember all the same sentiments that i have for him and now his a christian as he said and with his own family and kid also. and not happy just like me.

it was the start of my rollercoaster ride now adays..to be continued though...

sept 1, 2008  / monday



just hanging out here in my office crib today, its already 2:25 in the afternoon
at my watch to be exact.

i'm just too glad to ever finding myself here @ this blogging site, i guess this  happens to people with too many to mention  on their plate.

i'm jhen by the way, im married with 3 kids and curently tied up with a gentile or alien.
life was not easy being tied up with a person from another culture..it is full of contradictions

but because of may strong faith to surpass all odds that may occur by God's help..i was able to rise against all of my obstacles..but ofcourse it is still a never ending battle at present.

the only thing i could remember as far as im concern, looking back in the past, when i met my partner, that i fell for him, because of his character...

it is honestly a lovestory that has been built with emphaty and not erosly to be accurate.
i am feeling it was the best choice..after having been involved in numerous flighty people relationships, whom has only their faces to offer.

ive always been responsible in everything i do as much as i could, in my student life, until by the time i was working, it is all about responsibilty...that is why i am kinda burnt out this moment at hand.

because i have thrived too much into the deep world of seriousness in life, for which i thought will always make me happy and better, satisfied..but i guess i'm wrong all along.

life is not about choosing the good only but also of accepting the bad side of it.

now i am continually contemplating meditating..where this life is far more headed today..why   do i feel like it's a srinking ship infront my face..


i think i have been functioning only as a machine...without my real heart in it..
i did not intend this feeings to occupy me..it just suddenly do..and i,m so trapped and dead living..

i always listen to kelly clarkson's song the one that says for a moment like this some people wait a lifetime..could it be me dreaming in between those lyrics so hopelessly
hoping for a heart revival for the glory of love.

i can only hope and pray..everyady that my kids are all safe...i may go ahead of them but i'm confident i did the best job a mom could ever do thier children..an im kinda super proud of it.

because my children always remind me of it..i love it at night when before they go to bed they will not forget to give me a hug and kiss..just like i always give them..and i will always remind them to always pray for our family for other people and the world at large..

today i cannot bring my kids to the church anymore...what i teach them is to be a real and honest and good person..and be of really good help to others..i think that is enough..when they grow up all of them they get to choose what religion or faith they would want to pursue
it's all in thier hands to decide.

i think i am not a confident person this time..because my other half is my boss, and i am his slave and possession..he really trets me like that.

i have no financial freedom we dont have a joint bank account..because he cannto trust  me..because of a recent friction that occured to us some years back in 2003..when i left him and i went back to my hometown and run away with my kids.

now it is old history..weve rekindled and managed to fix things...yet this is my life now financially enough, i get to purchase the basic ones and some extra wants, but i cannot decide for major decisions in our life..it has to be only him because i am powerless and without my own money as he always narrated it.

sometimes..im overly comtemplating.....and dreaming of my independently booming personal career that has nothing to do with him...so ive tried many other ways to raise myself up...i hate it when he alwyas say im so stupid but that is just so true..stupid because i have been grounded by my kids to over react..because if i do..it is not my life that i am messing up alone with..but my well loved kids..

how i struggle to give them a normal and happy family life..but i guess all my kids area smart..and not blind..they can grasp if something solid is wrong or not.

i just know without their talking that they must have understtod something...


gosh i think im already putting on a novel in here..well sickly to say but this is true..i hope i did not bore the reader in this story of mine lol...but more to come sooner..:_)